figures in the distance

Fears and Fogs & Alone Suffocating, grasping and seeing figures in the distance.

Then there is the choking waking me in the middle of the night to remind me it is time.

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These are ramblings of a dying man, a man whose body and brain are tired.

And what about the vision, another sign?

A sign for what?

To remind me it is time?

There is that apple sauce going nowhere really no longer to serve a purpose.  Well the purpose has changed some and reminds me of the signs.

Remind me not to eat too many ice chips or drink too much water, because of time could come later.

To remind me it is time?

Fears and Fogs & Alone Suffocating, clasping and seeing figures in the distance.

Death

Anniversary Announcement

Today is the 27th month of my blog!  My anniversary post is something different than the usual posts I write.

Nothing clever in this post today.  No going back to a different age in my life to see what was taking place.  No interesting facts.  Actually, nothing interesting at all.

What is this anniversary post about?

I decided today is as good day as any to make an announcement, after all it is my blog anniversary.  When I started this blog 27 months ago, my goal was to post every day and I achieved this goal.  Now it is time to change because my health is declining and I no longer have the strength and I need my rest – lots and lots of rest.

Starting next week, I will be post 3-4 times per weeks and not every day.  My plan is to post on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and may be one weekend day.

I just need time to myself to take care of myself.

Today is the 27th month of my blog!  My anniversary post is something different than the usual posts I write.

Nothing to Hide

My friends the last couple of days I have had unexpected change in plans.

After my appointment this past Tuesday with Dr. C., he decided to admit me into the hospital.

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Since then, much has taken place and these next several days I have more family coming to visit.

At this time, I am unsure how many days I will be in the hospital.

I still plan to post each day as I deal with my current change in plans.

I have nothing to hide from you.

Image Provided by: Medical Humour

And after these past few days, I have nothing to hide from the dedicated people helping me in the hospital.

Many of these people have seen all of me recently, as I have – Nothing to Hide.

A Day Away

Sometimes we need a day away.

A day to ourselves, a day for other things.

A day away could be a rest day.

Sometimes we need a day away.

Today is a day away for me.

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Comments have been disabled only for today.

…moving the fluid.

In my post ‘lymphedema‘, I wrote the following –

This past Monday, I had a visit from home health care specialist to treat my lymphedema.  My current treatment involves the wrapping of my legs with hopes the fluid will flow back toward the trunk of my body.  With many of my lymph nodes having cancer, this process may be difficult and slow in progression or not work at all.  If this treatment is unsuccessful, then other treatments will be considered.

Treatment along with exercise hopefully will help reduce the swelling at which time I will wear compression stockings for the unforeseen future.  My understanding is lymphedema can be temporary or permanent, therefore treatment will continue for as long as the lymphedema is present.  I hope eventually to reduce the swelling and improve my leg muscles so I have the ability to walk without the aid of a walker or cane.

In today’s post, I write the following –

For the past 2 weeks, up until this past Monday, my legs were wrapped.  You may remember in my video post ‘The Real Me Now‘, I showed my fully wrapped legs.  The fluid that was once in my lower legs and feet were forced up into my pelvic area and was causing me issues.  First the fluid did not appear to be leaving my body.  The process is this fluid travels through the lymph node system then enters the liver and exits through the urine.

With my usual issue of dealing with constipation vs a normal bowel movement, now my abdominal area was being filled with fluid.  This caused added discomfort and pain to an already beat up body full of other aches and agony.  So, the wrapping of the legs was removed this past Monday with a pending decision as to what the next step would be.

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This past Tuesday I met with my Oncologist Dr. L. to discuss my lymphedema and current overall pain I continue to feel.  His feeling on the lymphedema is to receive a different treatment that involves skin massaging and is referred to as manual lymphatic drainage (MLD).  I also soon will begin wearing compression stockings during waking hours that should help in moving the fluid.

Yesterday my home health care specialist was here to begin the MLD treatment.  The treatment is being modified some because I am unable to lie flat on my back and laying on my stomach is not an option either.  So, yesterday’s treatment is the first of many and we are hoping for positive results.  Currently my feet, ankles, calves, thighs and waist are filled with fluid.  This makes it difficult for me to walk and many other daily activities we take for granted are now a huge effort for me.  The pain associated with daily routine activities are exhausting for me and drain my energy so fast, I accomplish very little during the day.

My days are filled with much rest – and that in itself can be stressful to prepare for.

My days are filled with much pain – and that in itself can be stressful to prepare for.

The effort to rest, the effort to treat pain, the effort to deal with everyday activities is difficult for me.

Much of my energy is drained – but I wake each morning to try again.

The assault on my body

From my post ‘lymphedema‘, I received the following comment from fellow blogger and friend Osyth from Half Baked In Paradise. –

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Reading your posts I feel I am looking on helplessly watching an unrelenting assault. I cannot imagine what it must be like for Gary and for your close family and friends. And for you …. for you enduring ALL these painful conditions and each time you turn to walk away feeling a little less racked with pain BANG – there’s another thing to start ratcheting it up and remind you. Helpless I am but I have a strong heart and I send you all the strength I have to help you battle on. And soft hugs. As many as you can stand.

My response –

Osyth, I will admit – some days I find difficulty in living. As you indicated in your comment there is an unrelenting assault taking place on my body. The emotional toll it is taking on Gary is evident as he sees me everyday and experiences what I am going through on a daily basis. It is tough on both him and I. I appreciate your strength in helping me battle on and the soft hugs are always welcomed. Hope your day is beautiful and full of sunshine.

At times, there seems to be an unrelenting assault taking place.  Each day I wake, I know what to expect; I am very tired and drowsy and weak.

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The unrelenting assault is coming from cancer waging a war on my body along with the immunotherapy weakening my immune system and the many drugs my body is having to take that help with pain management and other needed reasons, but also come with side effects that negatively affect me.  Then there is the lymphedema that is currently taking place.  The lymphedema causing pain, and causes inconveniences with walking, standing and sleeping.

The assaults on my body some days are difficult to deal with and very time consuming.  It takes me much longer to do daily tasks and much of that requires help from Gary.  Besides needing help with daily tasks, Gary takes on many other responsibilities including picking up my prescriptions, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, and this list continues.

The most important item on the list is his never-ending determination to make my life easier.  He is always available for me when I need help.  Some days he struggles watching me as I deal with pain, discomfort and the relentless assaults taking place on my body every day.  Some days he struggles with the idea I may not be here much longer.

Today is not that day

Today is the 26th month of my blog! My anniversary post is something different than the usual posts I write.

26 (# of months) + 7 (month) + 13 (day) = 46

If I go back to my 46th post and pick the words corresponding to 26, 7 & 13.

Here are those words –

When, His, Today

Now use these words as the first word of a sentence and write a poem.

When will the story be told
His story
Today is not that day

When will the truth be revealed
His truth
Today is not that day

When will the experiences be provided
His experiences
Today is not that day

When will the life be exposed
His life
Today is not that day

When will the last breath take place
His breath
Today is not that day

When that day arrives; it being sooner or later
His life will be revealed
Today is not that day

When they read his story; the one being told now
His true self may be shocking, or may be predictable
Today is not that day

When he is gone, never to return
His story will be left here
Today is not that day

Today he continues to write for as long as he can
His thoughts continue to be placed into words
When it is time to say goodbye, you will know

Today is the 26th month of my blog! My anniversary post is something different than the usual posts I write.

lymphedema

Last month in my post ‘My Feet – A Fresh Perspective‘, I concluded with the following –

Much has changed since I wrote that post back in 2015 except, I continue to appreciate my feet.  What has changed?  It was only 6 weeks ago I was walking 1-2 miles per day with some discomfort.  I mentioned in several posts about my increased pain and how it was affecting my walking.  Rapidly the pain increased in my right groin and the walking became worse forcing me to use a cane and now I am using a walker.  Then came reduced physical activity and most recently a 7-day hospital stay where I remained bedridden for most of that time.  This combination has caused severe edema in my feet and ankles.

My feet continue to function and do their job even though they are swollen and tired – I continue to appreciate my feet.

 

In today’s post, I begin with the following –

In the past 2 weeks, my severe edema has become worse and after communications with doctors at Moffitt Cancer Center, it was determined I have lymphedema.  This is common with some cancer patients when the lymph nodes are affected.  Since I have cancer in many of my lymph nodes and with the recent decrease in physical activity; the lymphedema is now another health condition to deal with.

This past Monday, I had a visit from home health care specialist to treat my lymphedema.  My current treatment involves the wrapping of my legs with hopes the fluid will flow back toward the trunk of my body.  With many of my lymph nodes having cancer, this process may be difficult and slow in progression or not work at all.  If this treatment is unsuccessful, then other treatments will be considered.

Treatment along with exercise hopefully will help reduce the swelling at which time I will wear compression stockings for the unforeseen future.  My understanding is lymphedema can be temporary or permanent, therefore treatment will continue for as long as the lymphedema is present.  I hope I will eventually will reduce the swelling and improve my leg muscles so I have the ability to walk without the aid of a walker or cane.

My pain level prior to my recent hospital stay was a 10+, and afterwards I felt the level was about a 5.  Now with the lymphedema, the pain level has slowly creeped up to level 6 or 7 and at times reaching to a 10+ again.  I have an appointment today with Dr. C. in the Supportive Care Medicine group to discuss modifying my pain medicines or taking some other approach to reducing my pain.

With recent information concerning the spread of my cancer and the pain experienced on a daily basis; I am on a roller coaster of emotions.  I accept what is taking place with my body and my life – I deal with it one day at a time.  What upsets me the most, is the effect this cancer is having on my family and especially Gary.

Independence Day

Happy Birthday America! Celebrating our independence, celebrating our freedom!

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critical point

From my post ‘turning point‘, I concluded with the following –

Upon having my initial appointment with the Supportive Care Medicine, the main doctor, Dr. C., immediately wanted to place me in the hospital due to the extreme pain level and the lack of quality of life.

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So, after waiting several hours just to be admitted that were becoming unbearable for me, finally a bed became available and the start of my 7 days would begin.

This is a turning point that Gary and I were looking for that would change the course of my treatment.

More to come my friends in future posts to explain so much more.

In today’s post, I write the following –

Dictionary.com has this definition –

turning point

noun

1. a point at which a decisive change takes place; critical point; crisis.

2. a point at which something changes direction, especially a high or low point on a graph.

3. Surveying. a point temporarily located and marked in order to establish the elevation or position of a surveying instrument at a new station.

Based on my admittance into the hospital, changes to my pain medications, tests and results – there are 2 turning points.  This is turning point 1 –

In the past several months I have written about the extreme amount and level of pain I have experienced.

bezboleznej.ru

Upon admittance into the hospital, the Supportive Care Medicine team of doctors wanted to change my pain medications and run scans to determine the sources of the difference pains I feel daily.

First, a CT Scan with contrast was performed with Dr. C. specifying thoracic, abdominal and pelvic areas.  As part of this CT Scan, he requested the right groin area be included.  My right groin for the past several weeks has been causing me severe pain.  This severe pain ultimately has resulted in my inability to lay on my back and have my right leg lay flat as well.  I must have the leg bent at the knee to lay flat on my back.  The CT Scan required me lay on my back as flat as possible; the pain I experienced during this time brought tears to my eyes and thank goodness, the process was completed quickly.

Second, Dr. C. ordered a full body MRI specifically on the spine.  He wanted to determine if anything out of the ordinary regarding nerves was obvious.  The MRI process takes more time and again required me to lay on my back and have my right leg lay flat as well.  The doctors and I knew this was not going to occur without some other means.  That other means was placing me under anesthesia so that my body would be totally relaxed.  The MRI was conducted without incident and I was soon back to my room.

Over the course of the next 6 days adjustments to my pain medications were made.  Some additional slight changes were made last week and the results are my pain is under better control.

Please do not misunderstand me, I still have pain every moment of every day, but I no longer have that 10+ pain.  As I continue to move forward, other adjustments may need to be made.

Turning point 2 to be published soon in another post.